GLENN BECK IN TEXAS, WATCH WHERE YOU STEP

Glenn has moved to Dallas. Tall buildings surrounded by baptists. Technically he’s moved to Westlake. In keeping with his common man image, Beck leased a cozy 7,900 square foot cottage at $20,000 per month. The house had been on the market for 5.4 million but recently reduced to 3.9.

I arrived early for my interview and took time to check out the area. I spoke to a neighbor. “Any truth to rumor the HOA wants an injunction to stop Glenn from plastering doors with Mormon tracts?”

She looked uncomfortable. “That, I can’t confirm or deny. I will admit there is some concern among the residents. “He’s not really one of us.” The long time Westlake resident explained, “He’s a renter.”

I spotted Beck on his estate. Glenn, sporting a new pair of armadillo skin cowboy boots, was hanging an odd collection of marionettes around the swimming pool. Nearby a gardener shook his head sadly, “Well, there goes de neighborhood.”

Glenn returned to the house. I followed, crossing paths with Rick Perry, who ran towards the cadre of gardeners, shouting about green cards.

I circled to the front and rang the bell. The door was answered by Christine O’Donnell in a short French maid costume. Our eyes met. “I’m not a witch,” she whispered.

She lead me to the back sitting room where Glenn waited. Beck had changed into his Moses costume. He stood, arms extended in a pose of crucifixion. “Welcome.” Beck beamed, gesturing to the couch. “I go commando under the robes. It’s so liberating.” He spun modeling his garb. “Going to have my own clothing line.”

“I see.” I saw. I shuddered.

Glenn settled into his Zero Gravity Recliner. “Ask away.”

CM: “What brought you to Dallas?”
GB: “Private jet.”

CM: “You see yourself basically as an entertainer?”
GB: “Yes, always have been. Some standup comedy. A little soft core. Did you know I was once a Rodeo clown?”

CM: “Wasn’t that dangerous?”
GB: “You don’t realize that when you’re drunk. It was then I received my calling from God. I began to hear voices and have visions.”

CM: “When you were drunk?”
GB: “Sometimes. This was after my concussion. I had a head on collision with a angry bull. That was when I received my greatest gift.

CM: “That’s right, you peek around corners.”
GB: “No. God lets me peek over the edge.”

CM: “The edge of what?”
GB: “I glimpse bits of the future. Fragments really.”

CM: “Sounds like it could be misleading. Like a blind man holding the tail of an elephant.”
GB: “I never understood that story.”

CM: “Why the jump to Christian right wing politics?”
GB: “I know how to control livestock. It’s not much different. Just discombobulate them. Don’t give them time to think. Lots of razzle-dazzle. Keep them scared and off balance.”

CM: “At least they don’t stampede.”
GB: “O yeah? Ever see an open bar at a Tea Party Convention? Brutal.”

CM: “Why Texas?”
GB: “I love the open space. You can see the terrorists coming. It moves me to see the animals roaming free behind the electrified barbed wire fences.” (Glenn wiped a tear from his eye.)

CM: “I heard you were interested in animal husbandry.”
GB: “The charges were dropped.”

CM: “What about the alleged sex tape, ‘Froze Stiff in Wasilla?”
GB: “Snack?” (The color had drained from Glenn’s face. He indicated a platter with Triscuits, and a small gift wrapped box I recognized as Sarah Palin’s MOMMA GRIZZLY SCAT™.)

CM: “That’s bear crap.”
GB: “I thought it was pate.”

CM: “What’s next for you?”
GB: “I’m trying to buy a church in Southlake. It will be the broadcast center for my media empire. Next year I’m going on a ‘RESTORING VIRGINITY’ tour with Bristol Palin.”

CM: “What can you tell me about the film, ‘Sister Wives Gone Wild?’”
GB: (Glenn blanched.) “Look at the time. I have to go, rounds to make. Christine will show you out.” (Beck made a mad rush for the door.)

O’Donnell appeared and ushered me out. She slipped a piece of paper into my hand. “It’s my new number.” Christine closed the door quietly. I looked at the paper. The number 13 was scrawled in red crayon. She was still prime. I stood on the steps and watched as Beck moved down the street in his Moses costume, sticking Mormon tracts on the neighbors doors.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment